Some of you may know me as “Maguire,” which is not my real name.
I don’t think I actually have a legal name as my biological mother personally pulled me out of her uterus and handed my fetus to the nearest abortion clinic. It was there that I was rescued by a pack of wild chihuahuas and nursed back to health.
Unfortunately, being a fetus and in the process of developing a soul, I was traumatized by my mother’s heartless action and that is why to this day I have an IQ of 45 and am on disability for a series of unnamed mental illnesses.
I live in a trailer with my heroin addict adoptive parents and my 10 cats, all of whom are named Jimmy. Feel free to drop me a line if you are attracted to 43-year-old 400 pound midgets!
On second thought, none of this is true. I copied Bonnie’s personal biography and replaced “Bonnie” with “Maguire.” I’m very sorry. Can you ever forgive me?